for lo, they shall deliver us down
checkout grocery galleries of cough drops
and candy bars, past the horoscopes and TV Guides--
and blessed are you and I… with our free,
life-long subscriptions to the
SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT HEADLINES!
that exercise our 14-items-or-less
Oh, tabloid headlines wear so many hats:
—they champion the inspirational successes of the handicapped:
GIRL WITH 14 FINGERS WINS TYPING CONTEST!
MUTE DRIVER HONKS OUT ROAD RAGE IN MORSE CODE!
BLIND SEX CREEP BUSTED AS ‘HEARING TOM’!
—they boggle the mind with life’s unexpected ironies:
STARVING CAMPER MAULS GRIZZLY!
CHAMPION BULLFIGHTER KILLED BY BULLDOZER!
CANNIBALS ORDER PIZZA — THEN EAT DELIVERYMAN!
—they clarify generalities:
RESEARCHER CALCULATES A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL TO BE .000000000134%!
—they ease our environmental anxieties:
SCIENTIST PROVES... EARTH IS GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE: GLOBAL WARMING IS EARTH’S HOT FLASHES!
—they showcase the consequences of failing to make sober and healthy decisions:
DRUNKS FALL OFF ROOF AFTER BARTENDER DECLARES DRINKS ARE ON THE HOUSE!
DRUNK GHOST RUINS OWN FUNERAL!
—they provide important educational updates:
CATHOLIC SCHOOL SISTERS TRADE WOODEN RULERS FOR ULTIMATE DISCIPLINARY TOOL… NUN CHUCKS!
—they reveal the real truth behind the proverbs:
SURVEY REVEALS BEST THINGS IN LIFE COST
AT LEAST $5,000!
NEW STUDY SAYS 'STITCH IN TIME' SAVES ONLY 8!
HONESTY FALLS TO THIRD AS 'BEST POLICY!’
—and finally, sometimes just make us think:
BEER CANS AND OLD MATTRESS FOUND ON MARS! hmmmm…
and so, just like that ol’ Louis ‘Satchmo’ Armstrong
“I think to myself… what a wonderful world...”
…VAMPIRE ELVIS IS ON THE PROWL, SAY COPS!