ON DECLINING THE ANGER MANAGEMENT
TRAINING ‘SCHOLARSHIP’
“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” –the Incredible Hulk
Thank you, thank you…but no thanks: I’ve
got better things to do, right now, OK…?
Well… all right… sure, let’s say (just for the
sake of argument, right?) that, maybe, I
see your ‘point,’ but listen to me here: if
‘Violators Will Be Towed’ is OK, then maybe
‘Tow-ers will be violated’ is just fair play…
Look: it was justa freakin’ bumper sticker,
man! Yeah, a homemade one… your point?
— Oh, that? Sure, the sign on the dude’s lawn did
say ‘No U-turns’ but… like, I didn’t see anything
about any O-turns, right? I mean, hey, you put up
a sign, you really oughtta spell it all out, right? I
mean… we’re not all mind-readers out there…
OK… truth? My accelerator got stuck. man. I…
panicked, you know?… So excuse-me-for-being-
human for cry yi! Yeah, guess I oughtta be perfect.
...like you, apparently…
— Aw look: I already told ya I saw that utility truck’s
‘No Tailgating’ sign, but hey, I wasn’t ‘tailgating’ him,
no way! Honestly? That guy? He was... ‘grille-gating’
me! I swear, I thought I’d got stuck in some freakin’
funeral procession, the dude was going so slow… I
mean, what, the law don’t require ‘Driver-Ed Training
signs anymore…? OK then, I guess we’re just agreeing
to disagree here… classic case of whether the glass is
half empty or is it half full, it seems to me…
—OK. You got me on this one. Yeah, I did… ’require’ the
clerk to re-bag all fourteed plastic bags of groceries in
paper… What? Foul language? Hey, aren’t we all grown-
ups here? And besides (heh heh) a lot of people write in
cursive... well, I just happen to speak it— fluently… OK, but
this clown does it on purpose, see— he knows very well I
want paper, but then he weasels in behind me while I’m
distracted doing the checkbook thing and before you
know it, he’s already got five bags bagged in plastic!
Really? Tell me something: you ever try dragging fourteen bags of
groceries out to your F-150, plastic handles cutting off circulation in
your wrists like some tourniquet so bad your hands look like a pair of
leftover rooster clawsoutside some chicken-plucking packing plant…
only to have your beer bottles and cans roller skating all over the bed
of your pickup so it’l ltake two frickin’weeks to get everything rounded
up and carted into the friggin’house!? Eh? I mean, hey, here’s an idea:
why don’t they just roll up your groceries in loose toilet paper and call
it good?! Be a helluva big improvement now, let me tell you!!!
…’scuse me…?
What’s that…?
Oh really!?
whattayamean…
it
ain’t
up
to
me…?
TRAINING ‘SCHOLARSHIP’
“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” –the Incredible Hulk
Thank you, thank you…but no thanks: I’ve
got better things to do, right now, OK…?
Well… all right… sure, let’s say (just for the
sake of argument, right?) that, maybe, I
see your ‘point,’ but listen to me here: if
‘Violators Will Be Towed’ is OK, then maybe
‘Tow-ers will be violated’ is just fair play…
Look: it was justa freakin’ bumper sticker,
man! Yeah, a homemade one… your point?
— Oh, that? Sure, the sign on the dude’s lawn did
say ‘No U-turns’ but… like, I didn’t see anything
about any O-turns, right? I mean, hey, you put up
a sign, you really oughtta spell it all out, right? I
mean… we’re not all mind-readers out there…
OK… truth? My accelerator got stuck. man. I…
panicked, you know?… So excuse-me-for-being-
human for cry yi! Yeah, guess I oughtta be perfect.
...like you, apparently…
— Aw look: I already told ya I saw that utility truck’s
‘No Tailgating’ sign, but hey, I wasn’t ‘tailgating’ him,
no way! Honestly? That guy? He was... ‘grille-gating’
me! I swear, I thought I’d got stuck in some freakin’
funeral procession, the dude was going so slow… I
mean, what, the law don’t require ‘Driver-Ed Training
signs anymore…? OK then, I guess we’re just agreeing
to disagree here… classic case of whether the glass is
half empty or is it half full, it seems to me…
—OK. You got me on this one. Yeah, I did… ’require’ the
clerk to re-bag all fourteed plastic bags of groceries in
paper… What? Foul language? Hey, aren’t we all grown-
ups here? And besides (heh heh) a lot of people write in
cursive... well, I just happen to speak it— fluently… OK, but
this clown does it on purpose, see— he knows very well I
want paper, but then he weasels in behind me while I’m
distracted doing the checkbook thing and before you
know it, he’s already got five bags bagged in plastic!
Really? Tell me something: you ever try dragging fourteen bags of
groceries out to your F-150, plastic handles cutting off circulation in
your wrists like some tourniquet so bad your hands look like a pair of
leftover rooster clawsoutside some chicken-plucking packing plant…
only to have your beer bottles and cans roller skating all over the bed
of your pickup so it’l ltake two frickin’weeks to get everything rounded
up and carted into the friggin’house!? Eh? I mean, hey, here’s an idea:
why don’t they just roll up your groceries in loose toilet paper and call
it good?! Be a helluva big improvement now, let me tell you!!!
…’scuse me…?
What’s that…?
Oh really!?
whattayamean…
it
ain’t
up
to
me…?
