TWO-HEADED MAN RUNS FOR MAYOR... AGAINST HIMSELF!

Hey Martha... get over hear and check out this story!

Yea, blessed are the supermarket tabloids for lo,
they shall deliver us down checkout grocery
galleries of cough drops and candy bars,
past the horoscopes and TV Guides--

And blessed are you and I with our free,
life-long subscriptions to the supermarket-
checkout HEADLINES! that exercise our
14-items-or-less, express-lane brains--

Tabloid headlines wear so
many hats: they champion
the inspirational successes
of the handicapped:

GIRL WITH 14 FINGERS WINS TYPING CONTEST!
MUTE DRIVER HONKS OUT ROAD RAGE IN MORSE CODE!
BLIND SEX CREEP BUSTED AS ‘HEARING TOM’!
—they boggle the mind with life’s unexpected ironies:

STARVING CAMPER MAULS GRIZZLY!
CHAMPION BULLFIGHTER KILLED BY BULLDOZER!
CANNIBALS ORDER PIZZA — THEN EAT DELIVERYMAN!
—they clarify generalities:

RESEARCHER CALCULATES
A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL
TO BE .000000000134%!
—they ease our environmental anxieties:

SCIENTIST PROVES... EARTH IS GOING THROUGH
MENOPAUSE: GLOBAL WARMING IS EARTH’S HOT FLASHES!
—they showcase the consequences of failing
to make sober and healthy decisions:

DRUNKS FALL OFF ROOF AFTER BARTENDER
DE-CLARES DRINKS ARE ON THE HOUSE!
DRUNK GHOST RUINS OWN FUNERAL!
—they provide important educational updates:

CATHOLIC SCHOOL SISTERS TRADE
WOODEN RULERS FOR ULTIMATE
DISCIPLINARY TOOL… NUN CHUCKS!
—they reveal the real truth behind the proverbs:

SURVEY REVEALS BEST THINGS IN LIFE COST AT LEAST $5,000!
NEW STUDY SAYS 'STITCH IN TIME' SAVES ONLY 8!
HONESTY FALLS TO THIRD AS 'BEST POLICY!’
—and finally, sometimes just make us think:

BEER CANS AND
OLD MATTRESS
FOUND ON MARS! 
hmmmm…

And so, just like that ol’
Louis ‘Satchmo’ Armstrong
song: “And I think to myself…
what a wonderful world...”

VAMPIRE ELVIS IS ON
THE PROWL, SAY COPS!
“FANG YOU, FANG YOU
VERY MUCH!”

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